Matt: 27:46 And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli Lama sabachthani?" that is, " My God , My God, why have you forsaken Me? " and 2 Cor. 4: 8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed not yet in despair;persecuted,but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed,
I must say that I read these passages of scripture and still my question was Jesus where are you don't you see this mess I am living in. I can personally say in my opinion this is a hot mess. When I look in the mirror, I see a broken woman, a woman who for months has been hollering out Jesus come see about me. Jesus what part of help don't you understand? My answer has been that you have to be willing to be broken, that until you are broken you can't get a breakthrough. I have been reminded that you make no mistakes. I am reminded that instead of asking why me, to ask why not me ? Jesus, I tell you in the flesh I am looking at this situation and thinking uhm uhm this is surely a hot mess. All of my life I have been a family oriented person, even when things weren't good I could take solace in knowing they were a room or phone call away. Now it seems as if I am in seclusion and those that you gave me this family of mine, I have been removed from. Like when you told Abraham get from among your people. Again, I am thinking Jesus, yes they get on my last nerve and I theirs but they are mine. However, I must say that today, I am at peace in this situation and glad that none of them are around. I know that sounds a bit bi-polar and like make up my mind, but; am I not entitled to be like everyone else wanting to have my cake and eat it too?
Getting through the last few months have been life changing life altering but I made it and even while I was going through things didn't look good, they didn't feel good and I was plagued as to were you on vacation on me or perhaps like in Mark 4: 35-40, you told me to get in this ship (my situation) and let's go to the other side and you got in the boat fluffed your pillow and went to sleep. In my flesh I am screaming Jesus wake up, but in my spirit I am saying wow, He is awesome, He got this, He sleep so I am going too. However in this passage of scripture you spoke peace be still and all was well. That don't seem to be what's happening here. The waters seem still for a minute the storm seems to be over and then all of a sudden, BAM!!! I am in the midst of hurricane winds and rain. God I trust you, but if I can be real since you know my thoughts anyway there are times when I can't help but want to help because it seems as if you have forsaken me. I feel like you told me; follow me, trust me and I do and you put me in the middle of this ocean and left. I know you haven't I am just saying how I feel. I am reminded of my mama's favorite poem, "Footprints in the Sand" and I think carrying me is great, but at least say something in my ear at that time. You created me and I know you are teaching me, but does this test have to be so hard so long when do I see if I passed. I don't know why, but I feel like I am all over the book on this one. Going from Genesis to Revelation and then every time I think I got the right answer, another scripture comes along that says this might be the better one for this.
I have always loved the Holidays and always been willing to turn the other cheek especially at that time. However this year, I found myself with a whole new outlook. Content to be alone, thinking I don't need them all I need is Jesus and I got through the first part just fine. Now I approach another and I thinking, okay Jesus this has been broken for sometime, I am in the ninth hour crying out to God in a loud voice, but I have a feeling that I am going to end up giving in, bowing me head and breathing my last breath. I feel like it would be easier. Just come on and get me. But I am reminded that, that is pride the same pride that i despise in my husband. The same husband that I feel like I am trying to give back to you and you are saying what do you think I want with him? Giving you the family that you put me in and thinking they over there saying we good without her and I am over here saying I am good without them as long as I got Jesus.
Real talk, I know it's all pride and stubbornness on all our parts nobody wanting to admit they were wrong, so we're all more comfortable living in our dysfunction and asking your blessings on our lives. But the more I read the more I pray the more I study, I find it's not going to happen. You can't and won't bless mess. This is what amazes me, that in speaking with many, all families seem to have this same problem. There is no perfect family because there are no perfect people. That in every family, there is a Jezebel, there is a Judas, there is an Esther, Abraham, Sarah, James, John, Peter, and there is a Joseph.
What you mean to tell me that in every family you put people who proclaim to be filled with the Holy Ghost, who cry out Lord, Lord, but they are merely giving out lip service. In every family including mine there is one who thinks I am the one, however they are wanting the glory and you have given the mantle to another. Jesus again I say this sure looks like a hot mess, and I want to know what are you going to do? More importantly when are you going to do it? I ask you God can we move this right along and get to the revelation that we all need you, we have all fallen short. We are all broken ain't none of us got all the answers and all of us need you and you put us in the families you put us in because we need each other. Can we stop holding each other to our past sins, saying I forgive when we really don't, harboring hurt feelings because it's the justification in being mad and saying well she/he did knowing all the time we were just as wrong. But real talk it's easier for me to say what they did versus what I did, because it's easier to swallow this bitter pill thinking we are totally innocent in it all. Again I say a hot mess. I remember that in the old testament days you searched all over and couldn't find one worthy, so you had to send Jesus. Help me understand that I am correct in believing that some of us are going to get it right before you send Him back. We all need to know that you aren't coming to die for us again, that this time when you come back you are taken those who have come into the revelation of who you are and what you died for and we have decided to follow you even if we have to walk alone.
Jesus today, I remind you that I surrender and I tell all who read this surrendering has not been easy. Just the other day I had to swallow up what Shon wanted to do, I had to pray fervently that the spirit man hurry up and get on the scene because the flesh was about to get all the way out the box. The flesh was about to tell some people what thus says Shon and not what thus says the Lord. Today, I am not saying I am perfect that I am completely right, but I have admitted my sins and said that I was Godly sorry, I have accepted that now all I can do is pray, because I have no control over anyone but me. I can pray that my family, friends, and even my enemies who you said you would make my foot stool take inventory over their lives and walk according to your will. Does that mean we will all be one big happy family again no, but with you it's possible. Being honest some people are better separate than together. But my prayer is the family that you gave us our immediate families can live in harmony and peace. That we can all remember that you know what I did this once too, and you forgave me, that we can truthfully admit that I did stuff Jesus that if they knew I did it, they wouldn't want to be a family again, but you died and because you died, I have another chance.
I can't talk about anyone else so I am going to talk about me. Am I perfect NO? there are somethings that I confessed to you and you alone Lord and to my grave with me they will go. I take comfort in knowing that I have reached out olive branches and left them there. Does it hurt that I have family and friends who betrayed me, and got upset because I confronted them and wanted them to be accountable and their response were harsh words, and things like I forgive you but it hurts, I won't forget, or I am saying I am sorry but it was cuz I was convicted. Convicted of what? First of all sin always exposes itself in time. If someone had told me predicted a year ago that today, I would sit in my home in this situation I would have boldly said you are liar and the truth ain't in you. I don't know what hurt worst the betrayal that I know they are saying is all in my head. Because yes, I know they have made me the one with the problem again, I understand it's easier to lay blame with someone else than to take ownership of our wrongs. I have taken ownership of mines and there have been times when I wanted to go out again and say okay let's sit down and talk about this start over, let me tell you what I saw, what I received, perceived and you can say Shon you are right, you are wrong or child please. I caution you all I am not crazy, I don't care how many pills I have to take on a given day. I am blessed anointed, and set aside. That's what Shon is. I have taken inventory and prayed and God has told me like Joseph they have sold you off and told God you died.
Once more I say Jesus this is a mess where are you? You say, I am right here Child and I am holding you and you are enduring, because you have trusted me. You are at peace because you were willing to be transparent, say maybe I could have done this differently, and you reached out. I know that my family who are included in these emails many don't read them, I could call names and be so right. But I also know that they think they are right. They think, their business is fixed. I pray that eventually we all get the revelation that God is trying to restore, so He exposed what needed to be exposed He allowed somethings to happen that needed to happen that He had a master plan.
My son said to me mama, I need you to be the bigger person one more time, you were the chosen one. I said son, I'm praying but I am tired, I am not one who cares about what things look like. I don't pretend well. So, my problem is not in not wanting to be the bigger problem but in being the only one who is willing to say, I was wrong on so many levels and truly lets bury this and rebuild our family. I watch my daughter and she says to me mama, this entire family is dysfunctional and needs to be restored every one of us and she is right. She said God told her that He was going to fix it, she didn't know how long it will take, but she knows He is. For the first time in my life mama, I don't want nothing for Christmas, I just want God to do something big. I said really, she said yeah because when I look back every time I wanted something little, I got something big. So this time, I want nothing, because if nobody has to come with anything, we all just have to wait on God to do what He is going to do and it will be something big.
Now I have been transparent and each of my family members will know who I am talking too, when and if they read this. Y'all my family is big, but I am talking to my core family.
You hurt me when you turned away, I really expected more, I gave you all of me and for you to give me what you gave was a knock down, but still I rise and say never to give up, because I know what God told me.
To you I say, that we shared the same heartbeat, and to think that you are more concerned with the fact that you think that I would spend time trying to tarnish your reputation than you are with saying she is mine and I owe her to be there and love her unconditional hurts like hell, but I forgive and I move on, praying that God will restore.
To you I say I missed you while you were away, but I know what looked bad God meant for good and hold on God is about to do somethings.
To you I say you don't have to choose it doesn't have to be me or them, them or me, you answered a call so just walk in it. Be you, let your heart continue to love everybody and I mean everybody, like me you don't get to pick; remember you once caused pain yourself. SO, know that I am good, stronger than I have ever been.
To you, when God gave me you I was so excited even when it looked like you wouldn't be with us, I held on and wouldn't let you go. I miss you like crazy, I realize I could have approached things differently, but know that your actions say way more than the words you spoke. I still forgive you, I still love you, yes we have to learn to trust each other again, but we have to get pass who was wrong each accept our responsibility and do what God assigned each of us to do.
To you again, I come to you, the things that you are going through you don't even understand, the devil is having a field day and to all of those who are upholding you being used and don't know it, I forgive, because God promised me. I do want you to know you to know that your actions are effecting the ones you claim to love, because God has placed a hedge around me and you can't hurt me, you can't break me, only God. My prayer is that you soon encounter God in a personal way, and that you will turn from your sin, before you become your sin, because I love you and don't want you to perish.
To you thank you for stepping up to the plate, and being my backbone even when it wasn't your place to do so.
To you my love, thank you for sacrifices, and I apologize for my part in this thing that has caused you so much pain. But know that just like you said this too shall pass and we are going to all be alright.
To the two of you who stepped in and took the places of those who are missing, thank you that God gave me each of you. I thank Him for your obedience, I thank Him for your broad shoulders that you let me cry on even when you both have your own lives and own messes. You take time to help me, with a word of comfort with a prayer. You are willing to be my re-assurance that God loves me and that He has me. I thank you for your praying and fasting. I thank you for your wisdom. I love you my brother and sister. I love you.
There is so much more I want to say, but God has said enough for now.
I am Blessed to Be a Blessing,
Shon Garner Cole
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